The NICU Rollercoaster.........

Well the time had come where my parents needed to return back to Utah. I have such a great relationship with my parents that I was heartbroken they had to leave us. There was something about being in a huge city, different state, a baby very premature, and our little Nevaeh 8 1/2 hrs away from us. I was so homesick for my family. The night they said their goodbyes I was still in the hospital and would not be leaving for another two or three days. I was beside myself. I wanted with everything i had to chase them down the hallway like a little kid and beg them to stay. Although I had Matt with me I was all alone because I would only see him a couple hrs a day and he would head to work. I guess all alone isn't t the right word either because I did have my Hudson man just right down the hallway. I spent all the time I could in there with him. Every couple hrs the NICU team would do rounds. So all the docs, nurses, respitory therapists, students, interns, pharmacy and so many others were in on these. I tried to make it to the rounds to get the "just" of it and everyone's thoughts on our little mans conditions. At times it was great and others I would just cry and be so confused. All the big words and the plan for the day and how they were feeling on his progress could be so discouraging at times. I think any parent who has been a NICU parent knows exactly what the NICU Rollercoaster is all about!!!! The machines were so hard to listen to and watch and it was never fun to be sitting there and the alarm sound and about 3 nurses come running to get your baby to start breathing again even being on the vent. In the beginning I got to touch him and talk to him through an isolate which was better then nothing. I couldn't wait til the day I got to hold him. I was very nervous and wasn't rushing it because I wanted him to be safe and stable. It was definitely trying at times to feel like you were so helpless.  It's our jobs as mothers to comfort our babies and take care of them and I wasn't able to do any of that for him in the beginning but very little.....

I did have a lot to look forward too. I had two friends coming out to spend the weekend with me while Matt worked and to meet our new little man!!!!! Thank goodness for amazing friends!!

Our little man is here!

Well after a crazy day of thinking I was going to be getting discharged from the hospital to delivering our sweet boy so early we were all exhausted!! I finally got to meet him a couple of hrs after delivering him. I think I was in shock more then anything. Around 8 that night the nurses took me down to the nicu in my hospital bed where I was able to meet him and hold his hand. I was so nervous at first! I didn't know what to expect him to look like with him being born so early. To me he was beautiful. My little boy had so much blonde hair! The nurses were shocked by how much hair he had being a 26 weeker. At this point he was just having to wear an o2 mask for his oxygen but by the end of the night they had to intubate him. I remember looking at him thinking wow is he really mine? Is he really here and so small but living! To me it was a miracle that he came out crying! It gave us comfort and to me I knew his spirit was strong and special! It was so hard not to be able to hold him! I talked to him so much and tried holding his hand all the time or putting my hand on his back to let him know that mom was there with him right by his side. I have to be honest. The first few days of him being here I was somewhat distant. I was experiencing so many emotions. I was happy, I was scared, I was sad, I was nervous. Along with so many other feelings. I knew everything was different now. Of course it was our family of three just became four and Hudson was born soo early and in a different state.  I went down to the nursery several times the first three days of our little mans life. The  nurses told  Matt and I to talk to him and let him know his mom and dad were with him. I talked to him but sometimes didn't know if he really felt my presence.
I remember day 3 of the Nicu I had just came back to my room after sitting with Hudson for the morning. I sat on my couch in the hospital room and looked at life going on outside of the hospital. I was soo depressed. I called my mom and talked to her for awhile. In our conversation I told her "Mom I have to change my attitude. I have to be here for my son. He is mine and I have to be his biggest cheerleader!!!! He is counting on me mom. I know more then ever that he needs me to be positive for him and believe in miracles." After we hung up I sat and cried. I had distanced myself from my sweet precious boy because I was afraid of getting attached to him if he were to not make it.  After this day I put my fears in the back of my mind and was ready to be the mom my little man needed. I would be his biggest cheerleader and have faith in him no matter what!! I knew my son was a fighter and so were Matt and I!!!!!!!!

Day 4........ Change of plans

Yay!!! The day had arrived for me to pack up what I had at the hospital and finally leave! I was more then looking forward to getting out of there but most of all getting out of there still being pregnant with Hudson and him doing well! The morning had been pretty smooth. I knew I wouldn't be leaving until the afternoon anyways because the docs had to come in and ultrasound and check the fluid level around Hudson and also monitor him one last time before I would be cleared to go. That morning I took my time gathering things ups and putting them in my bag and soon enough the nurses had me on the monitors! They were having a hard time getting Hudson to stop being so wiggly and it didn't help that I was up using the restroom every 10-15 mins. As this continued over an hour I was sitting there and felt a gush of fluid. It made me pretty nervous so I called for the nurse. She seemed to think that it was nothing to worry about and it was just watery discharge. Not knowing any different I said ok and continued to be monitored. About 10 mins later the same thing happened. I called my mom and told her I had a feeling something wasn't right and I think my water had broke. She said she would be right there and I called my nurse again. As soon as my parents arrived, Matt right behind them, the doctors were there to do my ultrasound. I had explained what had been going on and by this time the monitors were picking up contractions. After checking me I was informed I was dialated to a 4 and that my membranes were in my vagnial canal which was a huge concern for infection. After checking me things got very chaotic and at this point I was feeling every contraction I was having. They called my doctor and he came in and had them put me back on Magnesium immediately to see if we could stop labor seeings that I was only 26 weeks along. He wanted to wait at least a half hr and see if the mag stopped labor. Within that half  hr we had the pediatric team come in and talk with us about what to expect with Hudson being born this early. I remember telling my doctor that Hudson was coming today I knew it. I was in so much pain and an emotional wreck. Matt and I sat and cried together. I had so many what ifs and whys going on in my head. We were terrified for our baby boy to come so early!!!! After a half hr was up and the mag was stopping nothing and I was in hard labor they rushed me off to the OR preparing for emergency c-section. I remember as they were getting IVs started and me ready to go I tried getting out of bed. It was like I was in shock and just wanted to get out of there.

After getting into the OR and getting my epidural I seemed to be a little more calm. It was comforting to have Matt in there with me this time holding my hand and being my support. I needed him with me more then ever. I remember listening to the docs and tech talk as they were doing the c-section. Listening to the instruments they were needing and being able to anticipate where they were at in the surgery because at one point I scrubbed c-sections. It was definitely different being on the other side. After what seemed forever Hudson was about to be delivered. We didn't know if he would come out and need to be resuscitated or if he would be crying. To our joy our sweet baby boy came out with a soft cry! It was so amazing to hear our 26 week baby come out crying. I knew he was a fighter but that made me realize it even more! I got to see him as they rushed him past me to take him to the NICU. Our baby boy, Hudson Matt Koyle was here. Born at 26 weeks gestation. He was born on May 20, 2014 at 4:00 pm and weighed 1 lb 13 oz and was a whole 13 inches long!!!!!

Our little man was 3 months early! This day was very bitter sweet! We so happy to meet our newest addition but we wished he would have stayed put longer!!

Magnesium, Bedrest, Long days!!

After surgery I was on magnesium for the next 48 hrs. Anyone who has been on mag knows its pretty much the worst experience ever. I couldn't get out of bed for two days. Because of that I had to have a catheter in place and Hudson and I were monitored very closely. They would do an ultrasound daily and put him on the monitor every couple of hrs. All I really remember of the those days on mag was not being able to see straight. My head felt so heavy I could barely lift it off the pillow. Most of all just being miserable. But this was all worth it for Hudson. He was always so active when he would be on the monitor. They wanted to do it for at least 20 mins but we usually ended up being on it a lot longer!!! They were mainly watching his heart rate and also if my uterus was contracting at all. I would have small ones through out the day but nothing worrisome. The four days after surgery seemed long. I was confined to a bed and basically the small hospital room. I was thankful to have my parents there with me who would come periodically throughout the days. Matt would come most days around 2 in the afternoon and stay til 5 so he could head into work for the night. I remember feeling so depressed because I missed home. I missed my little girl who was home wondering what was going on and not understanding why we weren't there with her. I felt lonely. A lot of the time I would sit on the couch by the window and watch life going on around me wondering what our future held with this strong little boy inside of me. All I could think about was how good it would be to get out of the hospital and at least be in a hotel passing time until I was cleared to go back home to Utah and be with all my loved ones again. I knew the road was going to be a long one ahead of us but I was ready to face it head on!!

Surgery Day- May 16th

Well May 16th was the big day for fs and it was here!! Matt had got back to the hotel around two am and we both maybe got 2 hrs of sleep. We had to be at children's hospital at 6 am to check in and get things started like all the paperwork, last minute questions with the doctors, all that history they need for labor and delivery and of course IVs and the epidural too. I didn't realize that I would have to have an epidural also with this surgery. I guess it only made sense once I thought about it ;) this was my room while getting ready for surgery. The bathroom was beautiful!!

Everything went by pretty fast that morning and before I knew it I was saying goodbyes to Matt and my parents and me and my little man were being wheeled off into the OR. I remember going in the OR and having so much anxiety. The room was huge and there were already so many people in there getting things ready to go. (I work as a surgical tech so the OR is nothing new to me, but not knowing how things would work and what I would wake up to was a sick feeling)  I was told that during the surgery there would be up to possibly 30 people in the room with all the teams that needed to be there incase they would have to deliver Hudson at that time. I was hoping to wake up still pregnant!! 

After 2 hrs of surgery (seems quite fast) I woke up in the pacu in a horrible amount of pain.  I 

remember the doctors asking if I could feel my legs and I lifted them high up in the air. Obviously my epidural didn't work so I had to have another one fresh out of surgery. They let Matt come in when i was awake and It was great to have him by my side. I just remember hearing the                              

doctors say that things went well and I was still pregnant. At that point that's all that mattered!!

Denver Bound

After making it back from Denver and chatting with people who means the most to us we started planning on how we could make this work. Knowing if we went through with this that we would be in Denver for possibly up to 4 months if Hudson decided to come early......
Matt works with a construction company called Ames. He had mentioned to his boss that it was possible that we may be doing Fetal Surgery in Denver

and wondering what the chances would be if he could be transferred for the time we were there to be with me but still be bringing in money. After all I wouldn't be working til after  Hudson arrived and bills still needed to be met. Within a day or so they let Matt know that it would not be a problem to be transferred and they would even pay for our place to stay where he would be working. The only downfall was him working graveyards. But hey he would be able to work and be with me so we could not have felt more lucky. Things just continued to fall into place and we had made up our minds this was what was supposed to be happening. Nevaeh would stay with my family and Matt's and they would make it work. I was sick to be leaving our little girl but we knew that we needed to focus on our little guy too and give him the best chances at life.
I called and scheduled one last consult and surgery for the 16th of May. Matt had to leave that Sunday (Mothers Day) and my parents were going to drive me out Monday and stay with us for the week while I had the surgery. It was a time when I needed my parents by my side also. Things were becoming real and I was so nervous to have this big surgery. I overanalyze pretty much everything. And decision making is not a strong point of mine so for the whole week up until we signed papers and I guess the morning of surgery I would ask Matt and my parents are you sure this is the right decision.... In my mind I knew it was because things just fell into place for it not to be. I knew that if we chose not to we would always wonder if we should have and what would be different.
We had our last consult/paper signing Wednesday. Tues and Wed I had the steroid shots to help develop his lungs if he would choose to come early. That night my parents and I went to dinner (Matt was working) and had some good laughs and headed back to the hotel that was now home for a couple of weeks, I took my pill that I was scheduled to take to help with relaxing my uterus and waited for Matt to come home early. The big day was only a couple hrs away and the anticipation once again sat in.

Big Decisions Ahead

Between the time of finding out that our baby boy had SB and our next Perinatology visit we were busy doing research on the in utero fetal surgery that was being done in 5 states. In the beginning we both felt that it wasn't for us. The more we talked to our families and doctors we figured well maybe we will go consult and see if we even pass the guidelines to do so. So off we went to Denver to do a full day of testing and consulting. Talk about overwhelming. We started the day at 7am after getting into Denver late that night. The first thing we did was an MRI of our little guy. Yuck is all I can say.  They told me when I went in that it could range from 1-2 hrs depending on how active Hudson was.  An hr and forty five mins later I was done!! Thank goodness for technology and being able to watch "The Wedding Planner" or this mama would have went crazy!!!
Next appt was the ultrasound with a high risk perinatologist. Things hadn't changed from the last ultrasound we had in Utah a week prior. Everything looked great other then his ventricles and the opening on his back. He was definitely showing off at this point. The Dr. Kept saying how he couldn't believe how active our little man was. That always put a smile on our faces and gave us a sense of peace. After being in ultra sound for an hour and a half we were booking it to our next appt which was Hudson's echo. Luckily they were a little behind so we had a minute to grab a bite to eat and get some fresh air.  His echo turned out great and we were told his heart was "beautiful"!! Finally some good news to all the bad we had received the last few weeks.
By this time it was about 245 and we had til 330 til our "Team Meeting" with all of the doctors who we had met with and the doctors who would be in on our surgeries. The anticipation was setting in after a long day of testing we couldn't wait to get the answers we were looking for and catch our flight home. When we walked into the meeting all the doctors stood up that were sitting around a big table and welcomed us. I began to sob. I had held it together all day but at this point I was completely overcome with emotions and happiness that we had some amazing doctors who were there to help us and our little man!! After a long meeting with the doctors discussing the lesion level, the pros and cons to fetal surgery and everything else the surgery entailed we were told we were candidates for fetal surgery and now was the time where we had to make the biggest decision of life's yet. We had a week to do so where the surgery had to be done before I was 26 weeks. Fetal surgery or not?